Problematic Potions

[finncullen]

This is a post that deals with Finn's current problems and the way they're being dealt with. It's painful and self revelatory, and I may not even have the guts to post it once it's typed (Though if you're reading this, I obviously did: Yay, me). If you have a low tolerance for self indulgent whining then feel free to ignore this post, otherwise

Okay, take a seat while Finn rambles on a bit.

Following on from my earlier moment of clarity about the fact that I seem to be a largely emotionless creature I realised that this latest self-revelation was simply adding to the growing awareness that all was not well. I decided, despite my horror of them, to seek out the advice of a medical person. After a couple of interviews he came to the rapid conclusion that I was horrendously depressed. Not depressed in the sense of being miserable or down (though that does often happen too) but in the sense that all the normal emotional responses of a sane human being seem to be entirely absent... with rare exceptions I live in a constantly flat state with my only responses to a situation being measured and calculated ones.

Maybe the person who called me a "calculating manipulative bastard" was right all along. Not that I intend to be, but I suppose it's easy to come across that way when you instinctively handle any interaction by mentally racing ahead and choosing the best path through it.

Anyway, so the doctor's assessment was that my current state meant that any attempt at a cognitive solution (that's "therapy" to all you enlightened modern types out there) would be entirely fruitless. The way I am at the moment, he said, I wouldn't be able to experience the process as I should - I would simply observe the process and treat it as an experiment to see how it was supposed to work. How right he was, that's exactly what's happened in similar situations in the past (my childhood had its interesting moments you see).

So before I can even be considered a sensible candidate for exposure to the prying fingers of a head-doctor I need to get onto a more even keel and that means medication. Ah, delightful.

The particular drug of choice is CITALOPRAM one of a family of anti-depressants known as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). There is a wiki entry here all about the stuff. Oh it makes fun reading. Some highlights:

Citalopram is an antidepressantdrug used to treat major depression associated with mood disorders. It is also used on occasion in the treatment of body dysmorphic disorder and anxiety.

So far so fine. Following some of those links one also finds it's often good in dealing with this which sounds like it's tailor made.

Oh but the lovely side effects are worth recounting.  Here are some of the things I might just have to look forward to:

Citalopram can have a number of adverse effects. In clinical trials, over 10% of patients reported one or more of the following side effects: fatigue, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating (hyperhidrosis), trembling, headache, dizziness, sleep disturbances, insomnia, cardiac arrhythmia, hallucinations, blood pressure changes, nausea and/or vomiting, diarrhea, heightened anorgasmia in females, impotence and ejaculatory problems in males. In rare cases (around over 1% of cases), some allergic reactions, convulsions, mood swings, anxiety and confusion have been reported. Also sedation may be present during treatment of citalopram. If this occurs it is advisable to take the dose at bedtime instead of in the morning.

Another uncommon side effect of some antidepressant medications is bruxism (teeth grinding). However there is no evidence directly implicating Citalopram with teeth grinding.^[10]

Citalopram and other SSRIs have been shown to cause a preoccupation with sexual content in some patients, both males and females.^[11]

Some highlights in case that block of text was too daunting:

IMPOTENCE and EJACULATORY PROBLEMS coupled with A PREOCCUPATION WITH SEXUAL CONTENT

Is somebody planning this as some sort of sick joke?

Hopefully I'll have some of the other side effects instead, or the lakeside orgy I've planned for this weekend will be a complete failure.

What I can report so far is an astonishing case of life mirroring art:   One of my many RP characters over at the lovely Storyforge is a Victorian nutcase who achieves some measure of normality only by regularly taking a transformative potion.   I wrote in an unpleasant side effect of said potion in that it is entirely nauseating for some time after taking it.

Well Citalopram seems to be modelled on the stuff.  It hasn't made me any prettier (as yet, apparently it can) but I can say that after a single dose of the stuff I spent the next 3 or 4 hours feeling HELLISHLY sick, with trembling hands and raging paranoia.  That lessened over the next couple of hours which was a good thing or I would not have been fit to drive home from work.

This is apparently part of the normal acclimatisation to the SSRI and can last about a week.  So I've skipped taking the stuff since then (SENSIBLE!) and plan to resume tonight, taking the dose before bedtime so hopefully the worst side effects will hit while I'm asleep.  By Sunday night I hope to have gained enough insight to know if I will be fit to drive to work on Monday morning.

All good fun, eh?  Sorry for inflicting all this self-obsessed garbage on the world but I thought the people who've expressed concern for my wellbeing deserved a fuller story than I would ever be comfortable giving in a live discussion.. what with my avoidant personality and all :P

I'm hoping that once the acclimatisation wears off, that the positive benefits will outweigh this temporary discomfort- and I'm confident that this will be the case.

Until then - and until I get over the ridiculous upset I feel at having my  suspicions confirmed (and how often is Finn upset to be proven right?) - please bear with me if I am slightly less communicative than usual.  I hope to be back to normal soon, which will be a refreshing change for all concerned.