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This is a portmanteau post in many ways- a few things recently have been prompting me to update my LJ but nothing worthy of a full fledged post, so I'm just bundling them together here.

Firstly, Finn went to the circus. Yes indeed. The Netherlands National Circus in fact which has been evading me for a year or so now (I stole one of their posters last year when I arrived in the town they had been performing in until the day I arrived) turned up in my home town and I found out about it with a day to go. God deluged the city in snow and frost to try to put me off, but to no avail (Finn is not to be intimidated by beardy deities) and I turned up.

I had a sneak around the site prior to visiting the show and found this

Nice to see that even caravans come with ingredients on the labels these days eh?

The show itself was fun, though since it was their last performance of the year I got the feeling that some of the acts were second-stringers or reserves.    There was only one clown for instance, who did a fine job of getting the crowd happy and responsive.  I kept an eye on him for anything sinister but didn't spot anything.  Sneaky bastard.

The magician was splendid.  He didn't look the part at all, reminding me more of a football hooligan or a bare-knuckle boxer in his build, and his eyes were unfriendly and hostile.  But his act was very good.  I'm familiar with most of the principles of stage magic from close up sleights and time-misdirection, to bigger set piece illusions.   His act was somewhere in between and he did a couple of vanishes that had me leaning forward and muttering to myself.   In particular one straightforward "lady in the box, thrust in the swords, reveal lady missing" routine baffled me.   She was obviously somewhere in the apparatus but I still have no idea where.

All in all the show was fun, and a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon out of my house.   I spent the last half of it wandering round holding a candy floss that was bigger than my head which is not a traditional look for Finn.

Tim Minchin is still a lyrical god.   Here is a piece I had not come across before:

My sentiments exactly Mister Minchin.  You may be a ginger but this helps settle things between us.

Finally, I think I may need to go back on my anti-mental medication.   I'd phased myself off it over a period of time and more or less successfully or so I thought.   However I've noticed for a while now that the one thing I'd worried about seems to have come horribly true - and the reduction in my mentalness seems to keep pace with a similar reduction in my creativity.   As I've improved in one way, I seem to have lost my spark, and some facility with words.    This was already bothering me quite a lot, but recently I've also noticed a relapse in some ways.    An undercurrent of dread is creeping in to my days, as though something bad is looming but I'm not sure what.   Since I'm not a believer in predestination or prophesy I know this is simply a reflection of my internal state rather than anything objectively real, but it is still an uncomfortable feeling.   I cannot look to the future without seeing only the potential disasters waiting to happen, and the bleakness that there is not really much of a point to it, or me, or the combination of the two.

This is not a particularly healthy frame of mind (as I am still, thankfully, lucid enough to realise) so I suspect that a return to my medication may be the only way forward, but knowing that the price of that is effectively turning off the creative side of me is an unappealing prospect.   I am rather at a loss as to know what I really want out of this.
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